Letter to my Siblings

I know sometimes i haven't been the best sister. I'm the oldest; i should be a role model, i should always be in your life, i should put you before me. And i actually doubt you understand. We each have different experiences, different ways of thinking. Though maybe some day you will understand how i feel. I've been called a liar soo many times it isn't funny. And it's not that I've never lied to my father... It's just the thing that I'm told i lie about that bothers me. I'm young, yes I've told him i was in one place when i was in another, yes i might have told him I've NEVER had a boyfriend, but I've had before... he just always happens to ask when i don't have one. Yes he doesn't always agree with what i wear or do, and i can care less. As i see it he hasn't been in my life long enough to have raised me to be the way he wants me to be. I'm my own person, i have my own opinions and I'm not gonna let them be pushed aside... especially not now that I'm already 18. I've always been the one that feels like if I'm just a trophy child, he expresses the fact that I'm doing good, that I've always done well and all this other stuff. he shows that Tyler plays baseball and that when he applies himself he can be real good. Tyler could make it some where some day. Hell we could all make it some where some day if we put our minds to it. And at some point, it did hurt that he didn't take time out to know me. Shit he doesn't even know me now. He thinks he does, but who he really knows is that little girl he left some years ago. And yes, I KNOW he wasn't the one that left, my mom kicked him out. But come on, even i know most of your dirt and i didn't even hear it from my mom... Don't you think that maybe at 6-8 yrs old i wouldn't understand that the lady you happen to know and introduce me to at the restaurant is the other woman in your life and that after growing up the facts would click?? But whatever, this isn't about picking my problem with him. this is me trying to see if maybe some day you understand why its hard for me. I love you all, and i would give anything for you. Damn if that man actually paid attention he would realize that even though I've been hurt so much i do love him. but I'm just tired of getting hurt. so i do pull away so that i dont have to deal with any of it. I do stay out of things, because you need your own back bone when it comes to that man. We have our own little ways of getting his attention, or making him listen. I actually dont think i can make him listen... and ive been trying for years. But at some point i gave up trying. left things as they were. Now he can call me a liar, he can say "tu nadamas me quieres cuando necesitas dinero," he can say "tus hijos te van a tratar como tu trates a tus padres." I'm not saying in some things he doesnt have a point... because if he only took a minute to listen he would know that i know that you cant always count on a friend. Shit how many times have they turned their back on me, And who knows maybe they think i turned my back on them. so you do have to worry about you. You are the important person in your life. What u do only affects you. Your choices hurt or benefit YOU not anyone else. Maybe the kids you have in a future... but im not even gonna go there. Do what YOU Want to do, dont let anyone else decide what your future holds for you. Because just as quick as someone will give you advice, they will turn around when they see they gave you the wrong advice. and i get it he wants me to be the best i can be. he just hasnt shown me things in the right way. maybe there isnt a right way, i dont even know anymore. Once i thought taking him out of my life completely would be the best solution, i still think that on occasion.  Then i remember the only reason i have right now to go back. Not even the fact that hes my father, but these 3 little adorable kids that havent done anything to deserve the ignorance of a hurt sister. I'm the oldest one i should know better. But just because i know better doesnt mean im not human. i do make mistakes, and i do sometimes wish i took another road. But look where i am..... I started college, even though i would've preferred going away to college, im living with my mom, even though i would love my own space already, i still dont have a job, no matter how many applications ive filled out, and i still feel like some day there may be hope. There is so much about me that very few people know. and its because i find it hard to open up. I'm scared of opening up and then being left. Because when you're little and  they leave you like that thats how u feel. Vulnerable. There are still days that i feel like im not loved, even though i know for a fact i am. I have to remind myself every once in a while. You dont have to live what i lived. And i hope everyday, and have hoped everyday since i found out you were on your way that you didnt live what i lived. Yea im like every other human and there are moments in life that i think damn if i could be a only child i would have everything i wanted... But it wouldnt be the same. Even with the headaches of being the oldest one and the one that knows better i love being able to see your smiles. see when you know that someone is there for you. I might not be that great at showing it... But i do hope one day you understand.  I've always loved you, and will always love you. And my door will be open for you whenever you need me...




Your Big Sis, with lots of love :-*