Letter to my father (will be added to as time goes by)

*inspired by Letter to my father by Kafka*

Dear dad,

Maybe i won't write a hundred page letter like Kafka did. But i do have to let some things out. And as time goes on maybe i'll come back. add some more and put different thoughts into it. I don't mean to shock you, or anyone else. Who am i kidding? I want to open your eyes. Or maybe open the eyes of many who are around.

See you're not the worst of fathers. I've heard stories of horrible fathers. Beat their kids and torment them all their life. But you, you weren't a good father either. No matter how many stories you may tell of the past. No matter how many corrections you may make to your mistakes. Things have already impacted me.

See i've always remembered you thinking that i couldn't be smart enough to know some things. Even my mother at times has had her flawed moments. But thats not of importance at this moment. My remarks and comments never amused you. Even if they should've been funny for a little girl. It just wasn't amusing to you, and you couldn't even humor me. It's like you seem to think i don't notice your reaction.

In first grade, you drove me to school most of the time. But i have that day branded in my memory for life. Don't know why. well maybe i do. I had a talent show that day. Right now, i barely remember if you actually went to it. But i bet you probably didn't. Lets be serious. I'm old enough. I think we can count the times you went to an event of mine, With or without a woman. That morning we were listening to that spanish radio show. On "La Mega" i do believe. They happened to be talking about condoms. Who would expect a little girl in first grade to understand the jokes they were making. Not you, of course. So when i laughed you asked questions. You didn't like the answer. So you made a face. Then expect for us to have good communication in the future.

Ah, how we got along back then. I didn't see you as the bad guy. I didn't completely understand everything. But you still underestimated my knowledge and my memory power. You also don't realize that as i grow older, and think on the past, those things hurt my woman's pride. I'm not that innocent little girl who knew too much for her own good anymore. And you have moments of enlightenment, that you do understand that fact. Then you go back to those ways of acting like i was 8 again, It wasn't just yesterday that you left. Or better yet so you don't have any confusion. It wasn't just yesterday that my mother kicked you out. But i do understand her. Goes back to a woman's pride.

See i remember clearly when you would fight. Rare occasions. But they did exist. Especially when it came to Tyler. Now i know it seems like theres not much love towards him from me. But there's too much. I sometimes still cry when i think back on all the times you would hit him because he moved when you were cutting his hair. He was little. you had to talk more than twice to get him to listen. He got that stubbornness from you. But you wouldn't care. And you didn't beat him. But it still seemed as if it were for no reason. So i remember that fight. That day. I can never forget it.

I was sitting on that couch and you were cutting his hair. And Tyler moved. So you hit him. Mom was tired of you hitting him for no apparent reason. You never took the time to try to speak to him. He was supposed to understand on the first go, when he was only around 3! So you two pushed and shoved. And i wanted to scream so badly.

It all seems like a bad dream now. That choking feeling you get. when you're all emotional, and want to say something and just can't. I had so many dreams after that with that same feeling. So many dreams of fire. Of a destruction in my life. And what i was seeing was my family come to pieces in front of my eyes. The world as i knew it come to an end.

But see that wasnt all. You had the audacity to introduce your children to your other woman while you were still in our home. Thinking that no one would ever notice. What did you expect? That i couldn't put two and two together? Then all the times you were gone. You would complain if we got home late. Even though you knew, we went to school then to our grandmas to wait until mom got there from work, to then take a cab home. But if you happened to not be there it was alright.

Until one day my mother made the mistake of sending upstairs. UPSTAIRS! for God's sake. you didnt even have the decency of having your other woman further away from home. But mom made the mistake to send me upstairs, so i could tell her to send you down. I don't know why i didn't notice then. Maybe because i trusted you. And when i actually realized it, i had lost some faith in you. But this was the woman you had introduced to us at that restaurant. But of course while i was at her door she acted like she didn't know what i was talking about. Why should she care that you have a home, when she has a home of her own.

Then sometime later, you happen to be living with this woman in the Bronx. Daddy dearest, didn't you ever think i would recognize her? that i would realize the hypocritical act? YOU SAY YOU HATE LIERS, BUT YOU WERE ONE! As a woman i understand why my mother kicked you out. I wouldn't tolerate that either.

See you may not see it. But i'm scarred. By you. My father. Because if my father could do it to my mother, what will make me so different in the future? Maybe a man will say he loves me, and as some years go by realize something else. And do the same thing you did to my mother to me.

And see, sides of the story don't count. Because i saw what i saw. And damn some days i happen to have a good ass memory. Yes you may have both been wrong at different points.But your actions hurt the most. You don't need to know the time me and my mother had our differences. Cause if you really knew me, you would know that its not all great. But for some reason we always find some way out of it. Even if it takes time.

With you. You never let us have open conversations. But if when i was in 5th grade you put a face cause Tyler told you i had a crush on a boy. A crush, an innocent little crush. Ah! but no! Valerie had to focus on her studies. not boys. Boys and friends were never allowed. But Tyler was in first grade and had a girlfriend. It may have not been serious come on first grade, what are they going to do. But when i told you that at contrast to me having a crush you puffed up and tried to hide a smile! What did you think? That i didn't notice? Sorry. You always seem to forget how attentive your first born is. Well that we know of. God knows how many times i've thought if you have any other kids around some where. That maybe even you don't know about.

I always knew the reason behind my grudges. You were never there and blamed it on your psycho woman. Because omg she's psycho and i didn't want her to cause a scene. Boy did that grind my flipping gears!

Tyler on the other hand, i never could quite understand why he hold a grudge. He doesnt remember the things i do. the why and the who like i do. But then you think about it. What did you do while you were around him? Did you flirt with other women? how many women did you introduce as your current to him? at the same time? What was it that you did? I have to think of the worst. Cause boy, some days it seems like he holds more grudges than me. And his thing is always that he doesn't want to be like you.

And see you finding another partner didn't bother me at a point. But i am the oldest. I can admit some days i would take advantage. OH, you want to spoil me? Oh, you want to get the trust of the eldest. The eldest doesn't care that much after a certain point FYI. After a woman thinks she could take the place of your mother, you happen to get an attitude with any woman. I know who gave birth to me. don't have some other silly woman trying to be my mother.

But so be it. You kept on finding new people. at some point i didn't even bother to catch their names. I knew that the next time i saw you. whenever that would be. you would have another woman in your car. What can i say. I already wasn't expecting the best out of you. Though for some reason i hadn't completely given up on you yet.

Then you surprise me. SURPRISE! You're having twin sisters. Who told you you were allowed to have anymore children. You barely took care of the first two right. How the hell are you going to provide for two more. I cried and prayed from that day on. That some how you would see the errors in your ways the first two times. And that with these two it would be different. I didn't want siblings from you. Cause i didn't want anyone to feel the hurt that i've felt. Didn't i pray hard that they were lucky. and had you there until you couldn't be there anymore. can't tell you yet if my prayers have been fulfilled. But i have hope. Maybe you learned from your mistakes.

Then SURPRISE AGAIN!! You're having a baby brother. I just couldn't with you any more at that point. i didn't have any comment. what were you thinking. Then i stopped. And remembered that the woman you chose to be with is not to blame for what you have done. Why can't she enjoy the bliss of having children? So i was the bigger person. It took me a couple days. But i congratulated. But i did it more for her. She doesn't deserve to be shunned for what you did. So i prayed even more. Damn, i didn't know i could pray. God must have been looking at me and saying i was ridiculous. But i didn't care. As long as they can be happy. And not go through what i went through.

You see cause, you are a very impulsive man. And God knows why he made me the way he did. And my mother knows why she raised me the way she did. And i know why i act the way i act. Your words most times than not are hurtful. And you don't even realize it until its too late. But then you complain that we don't look for you. When i remember you disappearing, not having a phone, no one being able to locate you, when you didn't have the means to take us out or give money. What did you think? that i didn't notice when you gave mom money to buy us presents? and when you stopped? There was a good period of time that she would buy a gift any way and say it was from you. But it really wasn't And all the times i've felt used, cause you only have me around when there are other people. And yea thats my oldest, she done x, y and z. Your trophy daughter? And i know you were just being a proud father. I've done a lot of things. But don't you ever dare take credit for it. You would help 1 out of 10 times. Don't you ever dare take credit. Cause, i don't know if you were the one who woke up at night, or the one that spent his money buying the milk, although remember, at a point you didn't want my mother to work and there was WIC, But my mother has worked her ass off to get me where i am. Maybe with tyler you had a little more of a helping hand. But still not much.

Let's be serious. Every time we go a little out of hand, you have to call our mother. Look at what your kid so an so did. Ain't your kid then huh?

But those hurtful words. Things that you have said, that no matter how hard we try will always be there. And i've tried. I write about it, so i can let go. But at times when i think im going to be able to forget. You go and say something again. So you get the silent treatment a lot. Realized after a point that that works to get your attention. Then have the occasional melt downs. I have it down to a T now. But what for?

Maybe there is no hope between us. I can't apologize for the things i've said. i still mean them. And you saying that i only want you for your money, that your kids will treat you the way you treat your parents, that im a lier. Boy did you hit the jackpot with those. Unfortunately for you, instead of winning you lost. With everything you said went some respect.

I do hope that you have changed for those 3 kids. but there's not much to do with me any more. I hope that the good father act you try to put pays out good for you and those 3 kids, Cause you hurt those 3 too... and there really won't be forgiving. I think that will be the point where i lose the respect i have left for you. Me and Tyler have enough resentment towards you. Please don't make the same mistakes again. Because that will be the day i stop calling you father. And we both know, im capable of doing it. I only let you back in for those 3 kids. When i told you you were dead to me, i meant it that day, but i let it go, But boy those 3 will not go through what i went through. Money isn't the problem. Even if you didn't have a penny, if you would've been there for me when i needed you, when i wanted you there. things would be different.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end (3/7/12 @ 6:54pm)

You did a couple good things. Whenever you did decide to buy me something, like my 5th grade graduation dress, it would be what i wanted. And if we had to go to different stores, i would get what i wanted, well as long as it was possible.  But then there were times that you just messed up so bad that there was no turning back. My sweet 16. Where was my father? Absent. Where were my sisters? Absent. Why?

Well if i remember correctly, i started planning it ahead of time. Of course, everyone knows you need enough time to find a hall to have this at. You need to make sure that you don't go over your guest limit, that you have enough food, that there are enough seat, napkins, cups, spoons, forks, knives, drinks, i can go on. And all i asked, with enough time was that you were there and that you paid for the hall. DJ, Cake, clothes, hair, make-up, food, decorations, souvenirs, jewelry, everything else wouldn't be paid by you. We were trying to find a nice place. Something not too expensive, but things arent given away either. A place that was convenient for us to get all the things there. I was even getting ready for a performance. But you didn't make things easier. You gave ideas to the place. but for some reason every time we tried to go it didnt work. according to you you had told ana to look for limo places. but i never hear of any. You then told me, not to give you an invitation when i was gonna give you one, because you were y father you were gonna be there.

So of course the time i asked her if i was gonna see her there, she said no, because she didn't get an invitation. i was so upset! you said not to give you an invitation, and you lived together. you were together. why would you go but not her? i found it stupid!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end (3/9/12 @ 8:50pm)