Love Lost

Lingering touches

Soft kisses

all gone with the wind

Soft Caresses

Lingering passion

Gone with the turn of a page

To be found

To be touched

To be enjoyed

once you can manage loving loving yourself

To be lost 

To slip away

To disappear in the blink of an eye

once you take it for granted

A simple smile

A simple hello

Can change everything

Make your heart skip

Stop time

Make you look for better

Love is what you make of it

Lost love is what you cant appreciate

Love is what you can hold

Lost love is what you let go

A paper doesnt matter

A ring has no value

Culture makes no difference

Let your heart speak

Or enjoy the feeling of Lost love

"Its better to have loved and lost;

than to not love at all"

So find it

hold on to it

and don't let go unless you have to

Christmas Spirit

Santa's little helper
bring those smiles to the little ones
bring the joy
bring the cheer
everyone's worked for all year

Show your appreciation
Give not to receive
But to see that smile
to show you care enough
show that something reminded you of them
Its the thought that counts

Celebrate
open gifts
Appreciate
and let yourself be Appreciated

Its all about that smile
So Smile
Spread the joy

Letter to my Siblings

I know sometimes i haven't been the best sister. I'm the oldest; i should be a role model, i should always be in your life, i should put you before me. And i actually doubt you understand. We each have different experiences, different ways of thinking. Though maybe some day you will understand how i feel. I've been called a liar soo many times it isn't funny. And it's not that I've never lied to my father... It's just the thing that I'm told i lie about that bothers me. I'm young, yes I've told him i was in one place when i was in another, yes i might have told him I've NEVER had a boyfriend, but I've had before... he just always happens to ask when i don't have one. Yes he doesn't always agree with what i wear or do, and i can care less. As i see it he hasn't been in my life long enough to have raised me to be the way he wants me to be. I'm my own person, i have my own opinions and I'm not gonna let them be pushed aside... especially not now that I'm already 18. I've always been the one that feels like if I'm just a trophy child, he expresses the fact that I'm doing good, that I've always done well and all this other stuff. he shows that Tyler plays baseball and that when he applies himself he can be real good. Tyler could make it some where some day. Hell we could all make it some where some day if we put our minds to it. And at some point, it did hurt that he didn't take time out to know me. Shit he doesn't even know me now. He thinks he does, but who he really knows is that little girl he left some years ago. And yes, I KNOW he wasn't the one that left, my mom kicked him out. But come on, even i know most of your dirt and i didn't even hear it from my mom... Don't you think that maybe at 6-8 yrs old i wouldn't understand that the lady you happen to know and introduce me to at the restaurant is the other woman in your life and that after growing up the facts would click?? But whatever, this isn't about picking my problem with him. this is me trying to see if maybe some day you understand why its hard for me. I love you all, and i would give anything for you. Damn if that man actually paid attention he would realize that even though I've been hurt so much i do love him. but I'm just tired of getting hurt. so i do pull away so that i dont have to deal with any of it. I do stay out of things, because you need your own back bone when it comes to that man. We have our own little ways of getting his attention, or making him listen. I actually dont think i can make him listen... and ive been trying for years. But at some point i gave up trying. left things as they were. Now he can call me a liar, he can say "tu nadamas me quieres cuando necesitas dinero," he can say "tus hijos te van a tratar como tu trates a tus padres." I'm not saying in some things he doesnt have a point... because if he only took a minute to listen he would know that i know that you cant always count on a friend. Shit how many times have they turned their back on me, And who knows maybe they think i turned my back on them. so you do have to worry about you. You are the important person in your life. What u do only affects you. Your choices hurt or benefit YOU not anyone else. Maybe the kids you have in a future... but im not even gonna go there. Do what YOU Want to do, dont let anyone else decide what your future holds for you. Because just as quick as someone will give you advice, they will turn around when they see they gave you the wrong advice. and i get it he wants me to be the best i can be. he just hasnt shown me things in the right way. maybe there isnt a right way, i dont even know anymore. Once i thought taking him out of my life completely would be the best solution, i still think that on occasion.  Then i remember the only reason i have right now to go back. Not even the fact that hes my father, but these 3 little adorable kids that havent done anything to deserve the ignorance of a hurt sister. I'm the oldest one i should know better. But just because i know better doesnt mean im not human. i do make mistakes, and i do sometimes wish i took another road. But look where i am..... I started college, even though i would've preferred going away to college, im living with my mom, even though i would love my own space already, i still dont have a job, no matter how many applications ive filled out, and i still feel like some day there may be hope. There is so much about me that very few people know. and its because i find it hard to open up. I'm scared of opening up and then being left. Because when you're little and  they leave you like that thats how u feel. Vulnerable. There are still days that i feel like im not loved, even though i know for a fact i am. I have to remind myself every once in a while. You dont have to live what i lived. And i hope everyday, and have hoped everyday since i found out you were on your way that you didnt live what i lived. Yea im like every other human and there are moments in life that i think damn if i could be a only child i would have everything i wanted... But it wouldnt be the same. Even with the headaches of being the oldest one and the one that knows better i love being able to see your smiles. see when you know that someone is there for you. I might not be that great at showing it... But i do hope one day you understand.  I've always loved you, and will always love you. And my door will be open for you whenever you need me...




Your Big Sis, with lots of love :-*

Circle

Sitting here thinking
Wondering how this started
How we got here
Kicking myself for moving so fast
Every time
Wondering why I can't seem to regret my decisions
Trying to change the circle
Change the pattern I keep finding myself in
Trying to find something better
Better than the past
For that better future
Yet trying not to settle
So early
& for no good reason

Life's full of love

Life-

Hard to describe

Hard to live

Yet we brace ourselves each day

Find new inspiration

Find new Love

Find new opportunities

Challenge what we think

Challenge each other

Take what we've got and keep on going

Love-

Hard to find

Hard to keep

Yet we try & try

Find new ways

Find courage in ourselves

Find a place to run to

Challenge our beliefs

Challenge the thoughts of others

Take what we've learned and look ahead

Life-

Its what you make it

It's how you continue on

Takes more than being alive

Takes more than a routine

Takes so much many live stuck

Love-

It's what you look for

It's how hard you try

Takes more than one heart

Takes more than trust

Takes more than a satisfaction of what you have today

Life & love

Hard to enjoy

It's a bliss in disguise

Takes not only a heart

But also a strong mind

Takes believing and knowing somewhere on yourself

That no matter how things may look today

Tomorrow is another day

A day full of determination

And determination powered by love

Life is what YOU make of Love.......

5/7/10 Destroy my heart

Day turns into night
Sunshine to moonlight
Nothing matters now
I'm staying in the dark

Light turns into dark
Happiness to sorrow
We just disappear
So stay in darkness tonight

Cuz tonight
I live in this world again
I take my chances
Test my luck
And live again
I won't give up into your arms
I won't let you destroy me

Challenge my strength
Challenge my everything
Drag me in
pull me close
I'll stay in the dark

Break me down
Shout me out
Take me down
Turn around
Stay alone

I won't crumble into your arms
I won't die into the night
I'm too strong
Way too strong for that

Cuz tonight
I live in this world again
I take my chances
Test my luck
And live again
I won't give up into your arms
I won't let you destroy me

Yesterday I gave
Everything for you
Today I take
Everything back
I won't give up
Into your arms
I won't let you
Destroy me
now you can go on
And find someone else

Cuz tonight
I live in this world again
I take my chances
Test my luck
And live again
I won't give up into your arms
I won't let you destroy me

I won't let you
Destroy my heart

()

Where do i turn
when theres no where to go
who do i ask
when no one believes
what i believe

How do i act
when everyone else
sets expectations
that i never thought of
set expectations
that i don't want to reach

Why cant i change
things to how i wish
where does time go
when i sit and think
what should i do
how can i change
the fact that i can't stop thinking bout you
Cuz all i want is a change
But i cant seem to make it
Cuz i got too many standards
i didnt make
in my way...

endings

Time goes by

Anything can happen

Feelings change

Nothing you can do about it

Characters everywhere

its all a facade

But its all the same at the end

What don't you have

what can't you get

is there something to change

can you be better

very few believe you dnt need to change

just cuz its an ending

doesn't mean there won't be a beginning

Just cuz its an ending

doesn't mean you did something wrong

Its just life

and this time in your life has ended

you need to stop thinking about the little chapter

And think about the bigger picture

Your Book of Your Life....

Patience

breath just breath

relax take a second

breath just breath

think about whats best

head up

held high

do your best

you can make it

never give up

dnt let em shake u

dnt let em bring u down

just push back

& you'll make it

Patience is all you need
today you may have failed
tomorrow is another day
& you will make it

Wishes and Dreams

Everyone imagines

reaching for the stars

But no one really knows

how theyre gonna make it

Time goes on

Time passes by

and you try to stay strong

Life continues

Being hard

But you try to stay strong

each passing day

step by step

breath by breath

we take on a new challenge

Everyday

you can say

i am stronger than ever

Dreaming at night

is simple as closing your eyes

Reaching for the stars

is just a stretch away

Making it someday

can be easy if you just believe

Believe in yourself

in all the possibilities in front of you

Cause you never know

What's on the other side 

Things have changed

but you wouldn't have noticed

Times are harder now

People have come

People have gone

but it doesn't make a difference

Open your eyes

you can see

The world differently in a day

Open your eyes

look in a mirror

and see who've created

Dreaming at night

is simple as closing your eyes

Reaching for the stars

is just a stretch away

Making it someday

can be easy if you just believe

Believe in yourself

in all the possibilities in front of you

Cause you never know

What's on the other side 

Just believe

You are strong

You can take this

Just believe

You are wise

You can make it

Just believe

in the world

it'll fall into your arms

Dreaming at night

is simple as closing your eyes

Reaching for the stars

is just a stretch away

Making it someday

can be easy if you just believe

Believe in yourself

in all the possibilities in front of you

Cause you never know

What's on the other side 

Reach for the stars

Make a wish

Cause we might not know how

But we'll make it

I believe

I wish.....

How do i make a choice? The RIGHT Choice?

Have you ever really thought about what life meant to you?
it doesnt really seem to cross ones mind until it may be to late.
but when is late?
You may be disappointed that you havent done something positive.
But you might just regret not being more adventurous in life.
yet how do you know early enough to make a change?
its one of those things that you cant really understand.
when you have thoughts that something isnt right.
when you realize youve been on the wrong path.
you can change your future,
but you cant change your past.
theres nothing left to do.
there arent "take backs" in real life.
its just live and learn.
so how do you prevent making an error?
when you want to do one thing,
but another stands in the way.
when you want to make a choice,
but you keep on thinking about everything and everyone.
How do you pick the right choice for you and for those around you?

figuring out my issues

I never understood why i have so much issues with my father. Its a really touchy nerve that i rarely like to mention. Now im not saying there aren't things from my mother i don't resent. Lets be honest we all resent our parents for something. But there are certain things that after you get older you realize you shouldn't resent them for. Theres always that one party that you want to go to that you're not allowed, or that get together that you couldnt get to because you had to be with your parents. Maybe they dont understand today what we want to have in our future or what we think is right for us. As we grow up we make choices of our own, but while we're still with our parents they give their opinions and more times than not disagree with our choices.
But my Father who i usually call my sperm donor. Most of the time i feel like he really hasnt been ther for me. He is just my biological father not my dad who helped me make choices in life and taught me lessons. Its not that he doesnt try to teach me things, but it feels like he does too little too late. He tries to give me lessons that i dont need or have already been taught by my mother. He also seems to fail to realize that i know more than what he thinks i know and actually understand it.  somedays i feel like if he still thinks im as old as when he left. I was 8 years old, & what he fails to realize is that i understand that he didn;t leave exactly by choice it was more because my mother kicked him out. But like two people can have their differences so did they. It was something that on days i wish i couldnt remember. There are events that even though to someone else they may not have been traumatizing, to me i think they were. They're things that i find that i will think about it for no reason at all. A memory of what has happened over time. Or just a second of a realization.
My memories take me back to arguments, or my father thinking i shouldnt understand things that were going on. I've always known too much for my own good. Something that i feel my father fails to realize. Somedays i feel like he doesnt value my choices or my thought process. but theres not much i can doo because i feel that when i try to express myself he doesnt listen.
Yet i can never figure out my exact issue with him. Its like i could say i forgive him but if he does or say something, i use everything that has ever happened to take it out on him. I go back to being upset about every little thing he has done wrong in my life. But i shouldnt because we should leave the past behind us, but it becomes so hard that it inexplicable

& even though i have written all this i cant seem to be able to point one thing out. Am i mad because he left? am i mad beacuse he cheated? am i mad because he hasnt been there when i needed. am i mad because he treats me like im stupid? am i mad because i think he makes the wrong choices? am i mad because he doesnt think before he speaks? am i mad because he would disappear without any explination? i dont know why im mad, but i just am. its a grudge that i cant seem to get over. and no matter how much i try to get over it i cant figure out how to get over it.

Realization

do you ever wonder what your gonna do when things don't go your way? Honestly, i don't think any of us do/ Life just happens and we try to keep on going on. We fight our selfs and the rest of the world so we can make it some where. But are we really going to make it?
October 19th i came into this world. My mom probably with a planned future for our family. a beautiful family, that would be strong and who would learn all the right things. It was never imagined that some years later she would have a second child. But it was another blessing. She then never imagined that some years later she would have to do it on her own. But she has until today.
When i was younger i enjoyed singing. But was soon discouraged by someone i believed was my friend. She was just a bad friend, i would have better luck in the future. But some days i feel like i will never have good luck with those i call my best friends. But i was soon encouraged again to sing.
Writing has also been something i enjoyed doing. When  do it for fun or to express myself. Life is life and some days i had to get my feelings on paper. Into a poem or into what i thought was a song. I still discourage myself on writing "songs" but maybe in the future i will get better.
Dancing has turned into my life. Every time i dance i feel like nothing in the world could go wrong. It brings joy to my soul, peace and a feeling of fulfillment.
Some days we have to realize that because every thing doesn't go our way, we have to have more than one plan. Something to go on to when everything seems to be going wrong. And even though it feels like theres no where to go, once your down the only place to go is up.

Hopefully who ever reads this can understand where im coming from. This is just my way of speaking out, of expressing how i feel. so that some day i can look back read and smile because i finally took a breath and started to climb towards my goal. Today i honestly don't know what my next  step will be. But tomorrow, i may have everything a person could ever ask for. Thats all we all want from the day we are born until the day we day. And i won't settle for anything less than i deserve, and no one else should either. :)